Something about Fridays Jesus Calling Devotional really got to me. Maybe it was the fact she used the word scurry so well. 🙂
I think she has just painted a perfect picture of American society. We think we are so “busy” but what are we busy doing? I have a friend who always says how crazy life has been and that’s she’s been so “busy lately” & I just smile. Her busyness is her own making, she could easily stop doing all the things keeping her so busy, but instead she wants to stay busy and complain.
I am making a concentrated effort to not be busy just to be busy. B is only signed up for 1 fall activity & 1 short sports camp. #BabyLogan is signed up for 4 weeks of swimming lessons. I am in 1 bible study and Man has one personal activity. Man & I still workout but we have changed our schedules to better fit our lives.
I don’t want to spend my weekends rushing around taking B to “tournaments ” for a sport he doesn’t even know if he likes. I don’t want to stress over whether #BabyLogan is getting enough “enrichment”…..he’s not even 2! I don’t want to be so engrossed on working out that I don’t have the time to play w/my kids which is 1/2 the reason I started working out! Even being to involved with ministry can become a bad thing if it becomes just another thing to do! I recently did Priscilla Shirers bible study Breath:making room for the sabbath and it totally helped me change the way I lead my life.
Remember you don’t have to be busy jusy because every else’s life is “so crazy” right now. You have no one but #God standards to live up to. So sit back enjoy ur time with the Lord and let him control your day. It’s much more calm that way.
Our laid back morning devotion time
Today I was a bad mom. I took #BabyW to daycare……even though it was my day off.
I felt horrible dropping him off.
But I’ve not had a true day off at home in WEEKS! I’ve either been dress shopping for my sisters wedding, doing 50,000 other things, or in the hospital.
I just needed to get some stuff done…..and that included my nails.
Yes, I dropped my son off at daycare to go get my nails done, instead of spending time with him.
I am a bad mom.
But maybe, just maybe being a bad mom makes me a better mom.
While he was at daycare I did go and get the mani/pedi/wax I have been saving 4 weeks for and it was WONDERFUL! But I also went to the grocery store, switched out laundry, cleaned up a bit, did some dishes ect ect.
Which means that I was able to pick my son up 5 hours later, and go on a nice hour long walk with our friend and dogs.
It means that i can sit here on the couch with him while he explores his feet and just relax.
It means that when daddy gets home i won’t be rushing to shove baby in his arms.
It means that while of course I’m going to attempt to get a few more things done today if I do NOTHING else all day/evening except sit and play with my son I will be ok.
I have yet to learn how to just leave our house a mess and do nothing. There are just certain things (dishes and cleaning the kitchen mainly) that left undone stress me out. so often times our relaxing family evenings aren’t so much because I MUST clean up before I can sit and that takes away precious time with Baby.
Plus it’s what contributes to my last post about feeling useless, because I haven’t quite learned how to balance it all.
But Today I’ve Done Better.
Today, I have cleaned just what I HAVE to, Organized just what I HAVE to, and done what few things I felt like I HAD to do on my day off. So now I can spend the precious hours with my little monster.
So perhaps this once, perhaps just today, being a bad mom…….has made me a better one.
So it’s been a long, rough stretch of a few months. 1st the joyousness of #BabyW being born-then the craziness of him and me being stuck in the hospital. Then the joy’s of the Holidays, and the stressfulness that comes with those. Then all the feelings that come with returning to work, and then #BabyW and I got sick. Oh and on top of that trying to plan a wedding and connect with my fiancé in between.
I just realized this morning, that I’m feeling pretty darn useless in life.
Now 1st off i am aware that technically I am useless, I can’t do anything without the strength and power that come from God. But I am feeling like I can’t even do the things he has set me out to do!
I was in the hospital for 4 days over the weekend, and it’s just brought on these feelings of all the things I’m not/can’t seem to be doing right lately.
I feel like I’ve been a terrible mother. I get so tired and overwhelmed, busy with work, or just caught up in trying to do other things around the house that I feel like I’m not there, connecting with #BabyW.
I feel like I’ve been a terrible almost wife. Leaving Man to pick up so much of my slack when it comes to housework, project to make extra $$, and baby. Not to mention just not paying to much attention to his wants and needs.
I feel like I’m not doing ANYTHING right when it comes to being a step-mom right now. B and I are having a ROUGH time to say the least. He is learning things at his mother’s house that I do not appreciate , He’s at the testing age where he just talks back or is definite, and I have little to no patience for his whinnying lately. What’s irritating in this particular situation is that I know its important for me to be a positive figure in his life. I KNOW he is in need of more love and attention now that baby is here but I just seem to fail non-stop at giving it.
I feel like i am nowhere near pulling my weight at work. I’ve been back at work a month and a half and feel like i haven’t accomplished anything. I missed my FIRST EVER WEEKEND shift in over 7 years! I have so much I want to do there but I just can’t seem to do it.
Hell I feel like I can’t even breastfeed right lately! My pump broke today and my supply is all over the place!
It’s just rough. And I know that there are probably a 100 other mothers out there who are shaking their head reading this thinking I FEEL YA! ( Ha like I have a 100 readers!), but it’s just weighing on me right now.
I read a devotional from Jesus calling reminding me to Thank god for my problems. It hit me hard up the head. What a weird concept. But then….wait.
I am thankful I have a son to be a sucky mom to. I am thankful I have a man to be a sucky partner too. I am thankful I have a step-son to practice all my crappy parenting skills on. I am thankful for a job to not be pulling my weight at. I am thankful I’ve had 4 month of breastfeeding.
I am thankful I have all these issues to even be worrying about and that their isn’t anything more serious going on. I know that God is going to bring me thru all these in my life and I will be better for it. I know I will be good and accomplish great things.
But right now, I’ll be lucky to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
As I sit here @ 5:30 am on Christmas morning, feeding Baby W. I’m struck by the twinkleing lights on our tree and the shiny presents underneath. I’m laughing at B last night RUNNING up the stairs in his christmas footed PJ’s after seeing Santa had entered the united states on the NORAD santa track saying “Oh man I have to hurry santa is going to be here so soon. Hurry!” He was so excited he didn’t even want to hug & kiss his dad goodnight!
I’m sitting here checking the weather, thinking about what I need to get done this morning, if I’m gonna run, If I want hot or cold coffee and wondering just what wonderful things Man has gotten me-He already gave me a beautiful watch box early ( mostly because he didn’t want to wrap it) so I know once again I’m getting spoiled.
But As I’m sitting here starring at my sweet sleeping boy. I’m reminding myself to take a min to think- I mean REALLY think about the true meaning of this holiday. I’ve gotten annoyed this year more then ever with the commercialism, the materialism, and the blatant disregard by non believers for our 2nd most important holiday (an atheist on one of my baby boards asked how to explain christmas to her kids without talking about Jesus….um don’t).
I want to make sure I take time to Pray today, to thank god for of course my gifts, my home, the food, my family, the blessing of my and Baby W’s health. But again REALLY thank him for Jesus. The message gets lost so much- even with all the “Keep Christ in CHRISTMAS ” signs and messages out there it really gets lost in the shuffle.
I just want to take time to ponder the fact that Jesus- my lord and savior, the man who died so I can live – once looked just like my own sweet sleeping boy. He once was nursed by Mary, had whatever form of diaper they had changed, spit up on occasion, I mean the great I AM was once a helpless baby boy. How crazy is that?
I want to ponder the fact that had Jesus not been sent down in the form of a baby he would never have grown up into the man that he was, he never would of died for MY sins and rose again 3 days later, he never would of been able to save any of us!
I think about Mary and if it was hard on her knowing that while Jesus would love her- this boy of hers was destine for things far greater then being her son.
I think about Joseph and all the crazy feelings he must have had inside him.
But mostly I just want to take a minute to thank god for this miracle he sent us, that allows all of us to get swept away up in things of this season that don’t even matter.
So as you all open your gifts, eat your food, and enjoy the time with your Family and friends- remember the one who makes it all possible.
Merry Christmas To You All, Peace and Love to all mankind, Rejoice because our savior is born!
So in the last several years I’ve really tried to focus less on the media and worldy view of christmas and more on the true meaning.
However I still give gifts to those I love on christmas because I feel it’s a time to show those we love how much we love them, just as God showed us how much he loved us by sending his only son to die for us.
I do however try to make sure i’m not going overboard on the spending, and making myself go into debt because thats not what this holiday is about. Of course now having two kiddos, I’m aware that it is easy to get caught up in the worldy view. I am hoping with in the next year I hope to steal an idea from my favorite christian blogger miss Jen Hatmaker where you stick with a few gifts that fall into the following: Something you want, Something you need, Something to Wear, Something to Read, Something to eat, Something to give. (I think B needs to be a little older for it to really stick with him) I added the something to eat part- food gift cards are great stocking stuffers.
I like this idea because their are still presents to be given. Children can still ask for something they want, Parents can use Christmas as an excuse to make a much needed sweatshirt, or backpack a gift and there is a chance to show your kids the true meaning of the holiday by giving them something they have to give to someone else (For Ex: $50 that they must donate to their favorite charity in the next year).
BUT this post isn’t about making sure we celebrate christmas for the right reasons-I’m here to vent. To all the other ladies reading this who have wonderful Men in their lives who are great at gift giving……
How the heck to you make sure they get a great gift!
Man ALWAYS has something up his sleeve. I mean you should SEE the shiny rose gold fossil watch i’m eating that was my “Push-No Push” present Ryan surprised me with. And Last year my few presents were ALL items i had casually mentioned I needed or wanted that he remembered ( most specifically a book by my favorite author ). Valentines day….Diamond Necklace ( I got him nothing fail on my part) Mothers day….DON’T even get my started on the wonderful stuff he planned and got me. Birthday…..he proposed…… I mean for real!!?!?!? could I get a better gift giver?
Now I get him stuff and he created a wish list on Amazon Prime of stuff he wants, and I will get him stuff from there, but….it sucks not being creative enough to find something to just WOW him. I’ve been thinking for weeks now on a surprise gift or just something he won’t see coming and i can’t think of a damn thing. And I know thats not what gift giving is about…but i just wish for once I could surprise him the way he always surprises me.
Thats all, I just wanted to whine….but don’t even get me started on the amazingly sweet things he rights on the cards!
So I’m a breastfeeding mom. I choose to do it because #1 It’s natural and what god created me to do. #2 It’s a FREE way to to feed my kiddo. #3 It’s supposed to be a healthier option for my son.
I am one of the lucky ladies- I produce milk- I had no problem with my milk coming in- I was producing actual milk…3 days after birth. So I’m lucky in that sense.
I do also feel lucky because pumping is something that can easy to me and I’m used to it since Baby W was in the NICU for so long I couldn’t actually feed him at him first so I had to pump my milk and they put it in a feeding tube. Then when I could feed him he ate so little that I had to pump after EVERY feeding. 3 and 1/2 weeks into Baby W’s life he is gaining more and more weight and eating more and more, but I still am pumping after most feedings (is this normal? I dunno I need to attend a support group I think) so it’s just part of what I do- my freezer is so overflowing with milk Man says it attacks him.
Actually breastfeeding Baby W isn’t super easy. Being a NICU baby he was given a pacifier sooner then I would of preferred or then is recommended. Because of this I have to use something called a nipple shield that I place over my nipple and gives it a pacifier/bottle texture. It’s a pain in the butt. He swats at it, if he thrashes his head to much then if falls off, and it makes feeding difficult because I can’t just latch him to the boob when he needs to feed. But it is what helps him eat. I’ve been trying to ween him off of that, and we have had about 4 good feedings with out it, but thats it.
So yes I am breastfeeding and i’m glad that I can and am. And all my life I’ve heard women talk about how wonderful breastfeeding is and how much of a bonding experience it is for mom and baby.
Those. Women. Are. Crazy.
Breastfeeding is a giant pain in my the butt. It’s time consuming. It’s mommy monopolizing. It’s Painful. It’s exhausting. I kind of hate it.
But I still do it. Because that’s what my breasts were originally created for. Because my milk came in easily. Because once again IT’S FREE TO FEED MY SON and provides him with awesome nutrients.
But it’s not a bonding experience for me and BabyW. I find we bond better when wearing my moby wrap or during bath time, or….really any other time, besides breastfeeding.
I also want to say the mommy war of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding is ridiculous. Why do moms have to be so mean and judge towards one another???? How is that helpful and aren’t we all really doing the same thing- trying to raise our kids the best way we can? When did it become cool to judge and shame a women for the choices she makes- we don’t know her story? Did your mother teach you if you can’t say something nice don’t say something at all (well thats a bit ironic isn’t it). Not cool Moms. Not Cool at all. Let’s love, help, and support each other no matter how we parent.
Hello Hello! Baby W has been home for two weeks now (the chiefs have also won the last two weeks…coincidence? I think not) and is doing GREAT! He took all 10 days of antibiotics wonderfully and is steadily gaining weight. God definitely had his hands on my little superhero.
Check out how he has grown!
Maddie LOVES Him
He thinks Maddie is Ok
B LOVES BabyW…almost too much but thats a whole different post
Thor is a GREAT guard dog. He bark has gone from scary to terrifying!
All my boys!
So as you can see he is going wonderfully. Thanks to all those who prayed for us, we wouldn’t of made it without you.
I hope to write more as my maternity leave continues and I learn about being a new mom and the stresses, likes, loves, and dislikes. However I can’t make any promises as Baby W pretty much controls my schedule these days…..and thats totally ok by me!
‘For god has not given us the spirit of Fear but of Power, and of Love, and Of Sound Mind’ -2Tim1:7
Well folks today is the day. 36 weeks. 4 left, 1 month, 28 days. At least until my due date that is, when he actually gets here? Who knows.
So since I’m so close to the end I’ve decided to share some bump pics, so that at least no matter what I’ve always got them.
I don’t even remember when this was (13/14 weeks maybe) but it feels like ages ago. I don’t even recognize that girl!
Here we are probably close to 19/20 weeks. I still look and I’m pretty sure I felt like my regular normal self.
And it just keeps growing….. 26ish weeks.
And growing….. 30 weeks. I remember feeling very……large with this photo especially in the face.
And growing. 32/33 weeks and my last bump selfie.
No longer am I in the mood to take them. I’m just over it now. I don’t feel like I look like me- who is that girl with the fat face!
Here is a picture of me and my sisters at my sisters wedding that was taken about 35 weeks ish. That’s the best you will get.
I did have some fun with a photo editor and pictures
21 weeks, 26 ish weeks, 30 weeks
or all side by side by side! I don’t even fit into the frame!
So if anyone actually cares, there it all is. 36 weeks of baby bump growth. I know I need to go @ least another 2 weeks and I could go as many as 6 but….I’m done I don’t’ want to be preggers anymore. ( I mean i don’t want him to come any sooner then when is fully healthy, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant finally I’m just saying) It wears on you. Everything hurts, Everything is uncomfortable, Everything is hard :+/
Then there is the little matter of actually giving birth….but that’s a whole nother topic for nother post.
This past weekend something BIG happened in the W family and I mean BIG!
This handsome devil right here
Graduated from college. Yep, It’s official Man is a college graduate with a bachelors degree in project management and I’m SO excited for him.
That’s him all fancy with all sorts of academic awards and stuff. He’s so smart!
He kept acting like it was no big thing, and maybe some of you think it’s no big thing, but this girl here…does. I could BARELY graduate from college when all I had to focus on was….college. Much less working FULL time, being a single father, dealing with family issues, AND trying to maintain some sort of “life” and yet he did it…..with academic honors!
Its was just a great moment to watch and I know that B is a good part of the reason that he worked so hard, and B was so excited to watch his daddy and he told me that “when I get bigger I want to work hard like daddy”
Love that kid.
His grandparents made it to the ceremony, along with sister and bro-in-law, cousin, and then his crazy soon to be in laws.
Who knows what this accomplishment will bring. I’m not naïve enough in this day and age to think that the life changing results will be felt right away, but that’s not the point. The point is that he worked SO hard for SO long and did SO well that no matter what this is a BIG deal.
So Man if you are reading- I know I know, it was just another day. But I promise you. It wasn’t’, it was so much more then that and I am SO.DAMN.PROUD. of you and all you have done, and I know Baby W is too. Besides…..I’ve never made it with a college graduate before ;+)