So it’s been a long, rough stretch of a few months. 1st the joyousness of #BabyW being born-then the craziness of him and me being stuck in the hospital. Then the joy’s of the Holidays, and the stressfulness that comes with those. Then all the feelings that come with returning to work, and then #BabyW and I got sick. Oh and on top of that trying to plan a wedding and connect with my fiancé in between.
I just realized this morning, that I’m feeling pretty darn useless in life.
Now 1st off i am aware that technically I am useless, I can’t do anything without the strength and power that come from God. But I am feeling like I can’t even do the things he has set me out to do!
I was in the hospital for 4 days over the weekend, and it’s just brought on these feelings of all the things I’m not/can’t seem to be doing right lately.
I feel like I’ve been a terrible mother. I get so tired and overwhelmed, busy with work, or just caught up in trying to do other things around the house that I feel like I’m not there, connecting with #BabyW.
I feel like I’ve been a terrible almost wife. Leaving Man to pick up so much of my slack when it comes to housework, project to make extra $$, and baby. Not to mention just not paying to much attention to his wants and needs.
I feel like I’m not doing ANYTHING right when it comes to being a step-mom right now. B and I are having a ROUGH time to say the least. He is learning things at his mother’s house that I do not appreciate , He’s at the testing age where he just talks back or is definite, and I have little to no patience for his whinnying lately. What’s irritating in this particular situation is that I know its important for me to be a positive figure in his life. I KNOW he is in need of more love and attention now that baby is here but I just seem to fail non-stop at giving it.
I feel like i am nowhere near pulling my weight at work. I’ve been back at work a month and a half and feel like i haven’t accomplished anything. I missed my FIRST EVER WEEKEND shift in over 7 years! I have so much I want to do there but I just can’t seem to do it.
Hell I feel like I can’t even breastfeed right lately! My pump broke today and my supply is all over the place!
It’s just rough. And I know that there are probably a 100 other mothers out there who are shaking their head reading this thinking I FEEL YA! ( Ha like I have a 100 readers!), but it’s just weighing on me right now.
I read a devotional from Jesus calling reminding me to Thank god for my problems. It hit me hard up the head. What a weird concept. But then….wait.
I am thankful I have a son to be a sucky mom to. I am thankful I have a man to be a sucky partner too. I am thankful I have a step-son to practice all my crappy parenting skills on. I am thankful for a job to not be pulling my weight at. I am thankful I’ve had 4 month of breastfeeding.
I am thankful I have all these issues to even be worrying about and that their isn’t anything more serious going on. I know that God is going to bring me thru all these in my life and I will be better for it. I know I will be good and accomplish great things.
But right now, I’ll be lucky to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer.